i am so full of rage and romance tonight
As for my current nerd love,
If you do see this,
I want you to know you are not a crutch and never will be. I do need you, but not in a fatal way. I need you to keep me laughing. I need you to keep me sane. I need you to listen to my rambling thoughts and unfinished songs, to listen to my 2 am questions, and my rants about Mads Mikkelsen’s perfect bone structure. I need you to lead the way when I’m too anxious, to validate me when I’m unsure of myself, to hold me when I feel the world is crumbling under my feet, and to remind me all the most important things I tend to forget, like just how loved I am and how beautiful life is and can be.
Sure, I could do all these things on my own, but it would be a lot harder without you.
I don’t know why I even bother wasting the energy to think about you. You don’t deserve me. You never did.
And that act you put up, the one I only now realized was an act, is a sign on your weakness. The fact you can’t expose your true feelings shows your fear. I hope you pay the price, honestly. I hope it hurt every fiber of your being knowing what you discarded and that it will continue to smolder. I hope every time you see my smiling face, or overhear my name, it feels like salt in your veins.
When you left, you never spoke another word. It was as though you died. The person I had the illusion of love for had died, and all I saw left was a ghost.
I was hurt for a while, deeply. I got over you soon enough. Now I realize, maybe part of what you said was right. You were a crutch. But then what was I to you?
I don’t get closure on many things and I don’t expect them to start tying their loose ends now. I don’t expect that spot to stop being tender just from writing a letter to empty air, either. But it feels good to get every last bit out.
It feels good to clean up the dust you left behind in me.
a big self help post!!!